What exactly is love?

I rushed to the nearest gas station near my neighborhood to fill up fuel for my car as it was running on empty. A friendly Bangladeshi worker from the station came up to me to lend a hand, he then had a quick conversation with me. It was just another casual conversation and all, until to a certain point where I tried to ignore a question he asked: 

"Hey, you're a handsome young lad. Why don't you get yourself a girlfirend? Perhaps you can even introduce me to some of the ladies you've met?". 

I just laughed along and treat it as a compliment. I then head to my driver seat, start the engine and drove off. But the truth was this; I wasn't ready to get into a relationship. This may sound real stupid or even 'gay' to be coming out from a guy's mouth, but it just have to admit this; I suck at relationships.

People who knew my Dad said that I was blessed with his good looks. But yet I was nothing compared to what he was nor did I abused this gift (Or a curse. Why is it a curse? I'd explain later). Plus, I never wanted to be compared to him even if he was such a stud.

In his sophomore years, he was a chick-magnet with peak confidence. And according to my Mom, most of his exes had hourglass figure matched with a pretty face. He once went into a club and got beaten up just because all the ladies had their eyes on him while their male counterparts were filled with jealousy, that's how powerful his charm was; whether if that fact was exaggerated or not. My mom added on that she had no idea how did he ended up chasing after her, even when my mom turned him down and refused to marry him at some point of their lives. But all in all, she knew that they were meant to be since the first time they laid eyes on each other. Hence, me and my sister are the product of their love. And even when he left us, my mother never considered of marrying another man. That was 'true love' described by her.

Relationships never worked well for me. Different people describe what love exactly is to them and what it supposed to be like, but I was never convinced of their perception or the 'ideology' of theirs; not even my mom's.  I pretty much envy those who can keep a relationship running for years. Taking my sister's relationship as example, she has been dating this guy who is 6 feet tall since she's 14; she is now 22 years-old and both of them are still together. 

I tried to find my own equation to this question of love. Nothing seem to work so far. Every relationship I got into turned into a total disaster for me. Growing up to be the only guy in the house, I did not have a chance to have any man-to-man talks with my late father.What makes it worse is that I never had any female friends during my primary school since I was a fat dork. What puberty did to me truly did change me drastically tho, this is where I find the blessing a curse.

My looks slowly resemble my father, but I did not inherit any of his confidence. Deep down inside still lies a shy fat kid who had no guts to talk to women. But I was pretty much in luck, I didn't need to approach any ladies to make a first move in my high school days, they did instead. It was nothing to be bragged about but instead, I should be ashamed of myself about it. 

I believed in commitment when it comes to relationships no matter how outdated it may seem in a modern society. I thought all I had to offer was love.I put full commitment onto each of it and the longest run I had in one of them lasted for seven months but all the results were the same. I got dumped in the end of all my previous relationships and was left devastated as it seems as all my effort were laid to waste. I gave all I had to the ones I loved and in return I was left to pick up the pieces alone.

And when it ends, I cannot help but to feel stupid and yet continue to stay stupid; begging my way back to the relationship trying to fix things. Like a pill of ecstasy which sets you into a long psychedelic trance and wears off, but you're broke to buy another pill. You had nothing more to give, so your dealer stopped giving as well.

But to deal with the truth, crumpled paper can't be straightened again. Perhaps I've just got a slight taste of what love really does to someone: making us stupid yet not minding to be dumb until we finally snapped out of our dream. But that dream was your favorite, no matter how bitter it was to even recall it; given the chance you would want to dream again. That might be it, but it didn't really answer the question.

So back to where I was, I drove to a fast food chain nearby the institute which I study in and sat down in deep thought, staring into the air. After some time I figured out what love actually was in my very own definition.

"Love is like making a perfect cup of coffee, you need the right amount of coffee, sugar and creamer.

The coffee keeps you going, but you'd end up sleepless if you have too much.

Without sugar and creamer, your coffee will turn out to be bitter.

When added some creamer, it will taste smooth but blunt without the sugar.

Added some sugar, it will be drinkable. But with too much of sugar, you'd stop in a few sips.

When all elements merge with the right balance, you'd get the perfect cup.

The question is,

Will you drink it fast or slow?

Will you enjoy it while it's still hot and risk burning yourself?

Or do leave it till it turns cold? 

Whichever way you take doesn't matter, the last drop will still be finished and all that matters is you had a taste of perfection. "