Qontra

Ever felt so alone even when you’re surrounded by a large group of people or even people you know dearly?
I do. In fact, I always do.

Perhaps there was no one that I could really relate to amongst many of them, or perhaps no one understood me.
I have lunch frequently with my usual course mates, and often time I analyze that all they are saying is merely empty talk, hypocrisy and acting phony each and every day. I get it that conversations don’t have to be serious all the time, but this group that I am referring to had conversations running dry and repetitive all the time.

It was hard for me to ‘feel at home’, so in the end I had to pretend to not feel so alone. And this is coming from the horse’s mouth talking about hypocrisy moments ago. From my perspective, everyone’s a hypocrite; including myself. It’s just the matter of to what extent. I was never pretentious, I always believe in being myself at all-time. But I had to lie to that bunch that I am feeling comfortable being around them but deep inside I know I just don’t belong.

I tried really hard to find a place to ‘belong to’ in university, it’s not that I am bad at making friends; so far I have never faced problems making friends since I started my university life. There was not a tad of fear for me to talk to random people sitting around me in a lecture hall or a classroom. Perhaps it was only in the very first semester of Foundation only I had such fear being a freshman. Even before that, I have easily gained many friends from my high school days. Almost everyone in school knew who I was, they regarded me as a ‘popular kid’ even till today at a university level; a title which I find ridiculous as I was just being friendly. Why would anyone crave to be popular? I never did. What’s the point of being known by many and yet feel so lonesome? Who would want to be estranged by the rest and looked highly upon for no apparent reason? I never enjoyed the attention and be treated differently.

I looked far and wide searching for a ‘home’, so I tried joining all kinds of clubs offered in my university. Dance club, performing arts club, social science club, and heck even the cheerleading squad.
I love to perform in all forms, but I didn’t feel welcomed in any of the club except for the performing arts club. People from the Dance Club, they all had their own clique and are selfish of teaching dance moves to newcomers. The girls from the cheerleading team are willing to train and practice, but something was lacking in terms of interaction. Only in the performing arts club that I can do whatever I want and be accepted for who I am, but sadly many of the main members have graduated and are busy working. So I had to look for more alternatives.

And each day I return home, I feel even more lonesome even when my family members are at home. Everything seems so dysfunctional. I felt so depressed that my house is merely a house, not a home. It's just a place which I choose to return to, not that I have much of an option. So I had to wander off the house to look for one, and try to look for people who makes me feel more 'at home'. And till today I still could not find any community to belong to, I had to adapt and learn to enjoy the silence and loneliness within. Only lyrics from my favourite band, Linkin Park understands my pathetic state of mind.
And thanks to this song, I slowly learn to be stronger on my own.

NO ROADS LEFT

Standing alone with no direction
How did I fall so far behind?
Why am I searching for perfection
Knowing it's something I won't find?

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because
I run
Till the silence splits me open
I run
Till it puts me underground
Till I have no breath
And no roads left but one