What do you believe in?

Have anyone ever wondered whether if there is a new God living among us and looks just like one of us? But no one approves of this when they already had their own set of beliefs of God? 

Different people practice different religions, I was born into a family who practices Taoist Buddhism. I get asked frequently in conversations of what do I believe in or which religion do I belong to, they assume that I am a Christian because of my name.

There was once I was working part-time in a car servicing workshop and there was this friendly customer who had a chat with me. Once I've introduced myself, he started me questions like "Hey, are you a Christian?", I said no. "Then do you know that your name is a Christian name, and Aaron is the brother of Moses?" I replied with a reluctant yes, and in my head I know that the name Aaron has an Islamic relation to the Koran. He then bombarded more questions and started explaining to me more about Christianity as he was persuaded me to join, where he started joining a year back. That customer's attempt of persuading me to go to a church failed as he told my boss to let me go off early so I could follow him to church, which is absurd. His car service took only 20 minutes, his attempt of dragging me into Christianity lasted for 6 hours. From my lunch time until I finished working.

The thing is, religion cannot be forced upon a person. Nor can it restrain anyone of doing what they want to do. In my perspective, it serves as a guideline to many of us humans. As much as I am a Taoist Buddhist, I do my own research on Theology, the study of concepts of God and it's influences.

Everyone questions whether God exists at least once in their lives, and many have tried to prove His existence. Even wars were sparked due to different conceptions of God by different beliefs, notably the Holy War. It was a taboo to talk about other's religion to some even up till today.

But what I notice is that many of my peers today are calling themselves Atheists, a person who does not believe in the existence of God. Atheists are deemed rebels, but I find that to be untrue as my friends that are atheistic are still good people who has moral ethics. Perhaps what they believe in was different. Or perhaps the beliefs of following the Bible, Quran, Bhagavad Gita, words of prophets, popes,priests, monks and such were outdated. I have an uncle who is an Atheist as well, as he have always believe in Science. What he said was "Science have never been wrong so far. Humans could be wrong for many years for all you have known.". Such bold statement can be hard to swallow for the narrow-minded. No one could say that he was right, nor was he even wrong. Science have yet to prove the existence of God, but this does not prove that he does not exist. Some things in life is just like the wind, you might not be able to see it but you can feel it.

In Buddhism, Buddha was not God but a sage who founded a belief and created a goal for his disciples. Taoism believed in deities, and was depicted by Lao Tze. Prophet Mohammed was a messenger that spreads his beliefs and message of God. Jesus was claimed as the son of God. So I ask myself, in who or what do I really believe in? 

My own perception of God was; it is a beautiful art, an epic tale that was told by one human to the next. The only problem about telling the tale is that the words get twisted up from mouth to mouth. Can you see how Islam and Christianity is closely related? Or how Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism and Sikhism is very much alike? I believe we humans screwed the story up somewhere, that is why it was branched out.
In short, God may have been just a perfect human. But what I truly believe in is not God, but in altruism. Altruism is to do good, regardless of to whom or what. And the main objective is to be selfless, where each of the existing religions have been teaching for centuries; to do good.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter on who or what do you believe in; as long as you believe in yourself.

ANIMALS

I love animals, they are such magnificent creations of God. I love cats especially, so did my family. To count how many cats my mother used to raise, it could reach over 50.  My mother used to tell me about her childhood, how her family was living in a mansion at Bellamy Road, which was now demolished and turned into a highway next to our National Library.
Many years back it was just a mansion there for her family surrounded by jungle. Being next to the jungle, she described that many animals came to their garden and field; such as monkeys, goose, cats, dogs, peacocks and squirrels. I can picture it like a beautifully made-up movie scene. Now all of that is lost due to modernization.

Kuala Lumpur now has become a concrete jungle; there is no place for any creatures to roam about. Even if there is, they are considered pests. Stray cats and dogs can be found in many streets and be treated harshly. There is no clean food or water offered to them. I feel sick of other human beings treating animals badly, after all they are inhabitants of the Earth ain’t it?

As a cat lover who had many cats as pets, I am more biased when people ask the question “Cats or dogs?”, but I have not been biased anymore since an incident happened.

I was walking back home late at night through a dark alley, one which I have to pass through to get home every night after finding a parking lot. There was this dog, it does not look like a stray as he was mighty and white. It look like it was being taken care of by an owner beforehand as he was clean and strong. It came up to me and walked alongside me. I was scared at first as there are many fierce dogs around the neighborhood, I felt safer with its presence. The dog seemed like a friendly one, he slowly followed me as I walk back home. Before I was about to reach, another pact of stray dogs were surrounding the path that I must cross. They started barking at me and ran after me. I tried to remain calm until one of them tried to attack me. The mighty white dog pinned down the strays and protected me. I felt thankful and headed back to my apartment.

The very next day, I got bread for the white dog. He seemed happy, but he had no home. If I lived in a bigger house I would have taken care of him. He would sleep under a big tree or cars on a sunny day and there was no shelter for him when it rains. He did not roam far from the neighborhood. He would walk around and greet people but he seems to be looking for something, perhaps he was looking for his previous owner who abandoned him. Weeks later he went haywire chasing cars along the street. He was lonely waiting for someone, I can sense it. So was I. I never understood why people say why dogs are men’s best friend, I can slowly understand now. Their loyalty is unmatched, not even to humans. And from then on I was never biased, I would love all and serve all.

One thing I do not understand about us humans is that, many of us don’t have a conscience for them. Every day I can see a dead animal on the road, dogs and cats. They are so busy that they could not even step the brakes to save a homeless living thing crossing the road. Some cruel ones that kills them for human benefits are not even comparable to animals. I may have lost hope in humanity, but I have not lost hope in animals yet.

His name is Chester Bennington. I have been listening to his music each and every day since many years back and have idolized him.

Some have asked me this, "Why do you idolize a rockstar? Why not someone with a better background instead?" The word 'idolizing' may be a strong word, but I'm not holding it back or ever regretted.

He is known for his capability of singing high pitch vocals and is capable of screaming/growling at the same time and this gift of his was formed by the thorns of his past.

Here are a few videos of his live performances, where he can sing like an angel or scream like a devil

His parents divorced since he was young and had a tough time growing up.
He was sexually abused back then.
He was being bullied, beaten up and laughed at back in school and was treated as a nerd.
He was poor and worked at Burger King's for a living while travelling with only a skateboard.
He married his first wife who is his best friend without a wedding ring because he couldn't afford one but still did it out of pure love. They went through divorce after some time.

Going through so much pain, he took all kinds of drugs and alcohol to try to kill it off.
The drugs almost took his life, yet he managed to turn over a new leaf and come clean.
On his 23rd birthday, he skipped his birthday celebration for the sake of getting into the band called Xero; which is now known as LINKIN PARK. He wrote many songs with Mike Shinoda and worked hard to achieve to where he is now.
Now, he is a loving father of 5 children and is married to a beautiful loving lady. And he is still keeping his ex-wife as a best friend.
He broke his arm during the start of a concert and carried on for two hours without cancelling it.

He reminded me of the pain I've gone through, each and every lyrics of his was poured out emotionally in all of his songs where I could put myself in his shoes as he fits into mine. He and his band helped me overcome many endeavors back then when I thought no one would listen to me.
I went through a leap of change and slowly mature through their ever-changing style of music.

He isn't just a rockstar to me; he is an idol, and at the same time; a brother, a father, a role model.

Ever felt so alone even when you’re surrounded by a large group of people or even people you know dearly?
I do. In fact, I always do.

Perhaps there was no one that I could really relate to amongst many of them, or perhaps no one understood me.
I have lunch frequently with my usual course mates, and often time I analyze that all they are saying is merely empty talk, hypocrisy and acting phony each and every day. I get it that conversations don’t have to be serious all the time, but this group that I am referring to had conversations running dry and repetitive all the time.

It was hard for me to ‘feel at home’, so in the end I had to pretend to not feel so alone. And this is coming from the horse’s mouth talking about hypocrisy moments ago. From my perspective, everyone’s a hypocrite; including myself. It’s just the matter of to what extent. I was never pretentious, I always believe in being myself at all-time. But I had to lie to that bunch that I am feeling comfortable being around them but deep inside I know I just don’t belong.

I tried really hard to find a place to ‘belong to’ in university, it’s not that I am bad at making friends; so far I have never faced problems making friends since I started my university life. There was not a tad of fear for me to talk to random people sitting around me in a lecture hall or a classroom. Perhaps it was only in the very first semester of Foundation only I had such fear being a freshman. Even before that, I have easily gained many friends from my high school days. Almost everyone in school knew who I was, they regarded me as a ‘popular kid’ even till today at a university level; a title which I find ridiculous as I was just being friendly. Why would anyone crave to be popular? I never did. What’s the point of being known by many and yet feel so lonesome? Who would want to be estranged by the rest and looked highly upon for no apparent reason? I never enjoyed the attention and be treated differently.

I looked far and wide searching for a ‘home’, so I tried joining all kinds of clubs offered in my university. Dance club, performing arts club, social science club, and heck even the cheerleading squad.
I love to perform in all forms, but I didn’t feel welcomed in any of the club except for the performing arts club. People from the Dance Club, they all had their own clique and are selfish of teaching dance moves to newcomers. The girls from the cheerleading team are willing to train and practice, but something was lacking in terms of interaction. Only in the performing arts club that I can do whatever I want and be accepted for who I am, but sadly many of the main members have graduated and are busy working. So I had to look for more alternatives.

And each day I return home, I feel even more lonesome even when my family members are at home. Everything seems so dysfunctional. I felt so depressed that my house is merely a house, not a home. It's just a place which I choose to return to, not that I have much of an option. So I had to wander off the house to look for one, and try to look for people who makes me feel more 'at home'. And till today I still could not find any community to belong to, I had to adapt and learn to enjoy the silence and loneliness within. Only lyrics from my favourite band, Linkin Park understands my pathetic state of mind.
And thanks to this song, I slowly learn to be stronger on my own.

NO ROADS LEFT

Standing alone with no direction
How did I fall so far behind?
Why am I searching for perfection
Knowing it's something I won't find?

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because
I run
Till the silence splits me open
I run
Till it puts me underground
Till I have no breath
And no roads left but one

What exactly is love?

I rushed to the nearest gas station near my neighborhood to fill up fuel for my car as it was running on empty. A friendly Bangladeshi worker from the station came up to me to lend a hand, he then had a quick conversation with me. It was just another casual conversation and all, until to a certain point where I tried to ignore a question he asked: 

"Hey, you're a handsome young lad. Why don't you get yourself a girlfirend? Perhaps you can even introduce me to some of the ladies you've met?". 

I just laughed along and treat it as a compliment. I then head to my driver seat, start the engine and drove off. But the truth was this; I wasn't ready to get into a relationship. This may sound real stupid or even 'gay' to be coming out from a guy's mouth, but it just have to admit this; I suck at relationships.

People who knew my Dad said that I was blessed with his good looks. But yet I was nothing compared to what he was nor did I abused this gift (Or a curse. Why is it a curse? I'd explain later). Plus, I never wanted to be compared to him even if he was such a stud.

In his sophomore years, he was a chick-magnet with peak confidence. And according to my Mom, most of his exes had hourglass figure matched with a pretty face. He once went into a club and got beaten up just because all the ladies had their eyes on him while their male counterparts were filled with jealousy, that's how powerful his charm was; whether if that fact was exaggerated or not. My mom added on that she had no idea how did he ended up chasing after her, even when my mom turned him down and refused to marry him at some point of their lives. But all in all, she knew that they were meant to be since the first time they laid eyes on each other. Hence, me and my sister are the product of their love. And even when he left us, my mother never considered of marrying another man. That was 'true love' described by her.

Relationships never worked well for me. Different people describe what love exactly is to them and what it supposed to be like, but I was never convinced of their perception or the 'ideology' of theirs; not even my mom's.  I pretty much envy those who can keep a relationship running for years. Taking my sister's relationship as example, she has been dating this guy who is 6 feet tall since she's 14; she is now 22 years-old and both of them are still together. 

I tried to find my own equation to this question of love. Nothing seem to work so far. Every relationship I got into turned into a total disaster for me. Growing up to be the only guy in the house, I did not have a chance to have any man-to-man talks with my late father.What makes it worse is that I never had any female friends during my primary school since I was a fat dork. What puberty did to me truly did change me drastically tho, this is where I find the blessing a curse.

My looks slowly resemble my father, but I did not inherit any of his confidence. Deep down inside still lies a shy fat kid who had no guts to talk to women. But I was pretty much in luck, I didn't need to approach any ladies to make a first move in my high school days, they did instead. It was nothing to be bragged about but instead, I should be ashamed of myself about it. 

I believed in commitment when it comes to relationships no matter how outdated it may seem in a modern society. I thought all I had to offer was love.I put full commitment onto each of it and the longest run I had in one of them lasted for seven months but all the results were the same. I got dumped in the end of all my previous relationships and was left devastated as it seems as all my effort were laid to waste. I gave all I had to the ones I loved and in return I was left to pick up the pieces alone.

And when it ends, I cannot help but to feel stupid and yet continue to stay stupid; begging my way back to the relationship trying to fix things. Like a pill of ecstasy which sets you into a long psychedelic trance and wears off, but you're broke to buy another pill. You had nothing more to give, so your dealer stopped giving as well.

But to deal with the truth, crumpled paper can't be straightened again. Perhaps I've just got a slight taste of what love really does to someone: making us stupid yet not minding to be dumb until we finally snapped out of our dream. But that dream was your favorite, no matter how bitter it was to even recall it; given the chance you would want to dream again. That might be it, but it didn't really answer the question.

So back to where I was, I drove to a fast food chain nearby the institute which I study in and sat down in deep thought, staring into the air. After some time I figured out what love actually was in my very own definition.

"Love is like making a perfect cup of coffee, you need the right amount of coffee, sugar and creamer.

The coffee keeps you going, but you'd end up sleepless if you have too much.

Without sugar and creamer, your coffee will turn out to be bitter.

When added some creamer, it will taste smooth but blunt without the sugar.

Added some sugar, it will be drinkable. But with too much of sugar, you'd stop in a few sips.

When all elements merge with the right balance, you'd get the perfect cup.

The question is,

Will you drink it fast or slow?

Will you enjoy it while it's still hot and risk burning yourself?

Or do leave it till it turns cold? 

Whichever way you take doesn't matter, the last drop will still be finished and all that matters is you had a taste of perfection. "